Tuesday, February 2, 2016

My Not So Perfect Life

Welcome to the first "Let's Talk Tuesday!" I'm excited to have a day set aside on this blog to just chat and tell you what's on my mind each week - whether it's sharing personal things about my life or just fun talk, I want it to be an open space where I can type my thoughts and hopefully relate more to my readers - like you! So let's talk -

I haven't shared much of this story, but recently I have felt led to do so - to share more of this part of my life. I've sat down to type this post more times than I can count, but could never bring myself to type the first sentence. Until today. The truth is, writing helps me think through things, it helps me release my feelings, and it helps me somewhat grasp the things I can't understand. So I'm writing today, and I'm writing about something very personal and dear to my heart.

So what gave me the courage to finally sit down and write it? You. I'll explain - a few weeks ago I was emailing a reader back and forth about possibly doing a collaboration in the future, and she ended one email with this...

"Love reading your blog - It's so inspiring and you're just living the perfect little life!"

While I loved her flattering words and know she meant only kindness from that statement, I sat back and thought to myself - I don't want my readers to think my life is perfect. I don't want to be just another blogger full of fluff and frills - because the truth is, my life isn't perfect. The pretty pictures of recipes, outfits, travel, and home decor are just a glimpse of the highlights in my life and moments I choose to capture. So I'm writing this for you, my reader, so that you can see the bigger picture - the part of my life that consumes me most days - a behind the scene shot of real life, not just the picture perfect kind. 

You see, I have a major struggle going on in my life right now. If you've been around awhile, then you may have read this post about my fertility issues. That post was written in June of last year and that story continues today. A lot has happened since then - more pills, shots, doctor visits, IUI procedures, and seven more negative pregnancy tests - but I've also gotten a lot stronger since then. Stronger in so many ways - in my relationship with Chris, in dealing with anger and sadness, in learning to find happiness in other ways, but most importantly, stronger in my faith.

And that's the part I want to really focus on today - the faith part. It's so easy to have faith in God when your life is going perfect, right? When everything is falling into place just how you think it should and when everything is just…good. That was me - living the perfect life with all my ducks in row and a plan for everything, and until two years ago, everything in that plan was working out perfectly.

The next thing on my list to a perfect life was becoming a mom. That was all I wanted - now, looking back, having faith then that it would happen was so easy. But then things got hard - months of negative pregnancy tests passed, questions were unanswered, then answered, and then back to unanswered. It's in those moments where faith has been the hardest. I've gone through ups and downs - I've been angry, sad, confused, depressed...you name it. But then one day, at church, I listened to a girl share her testimony of having faith, even in those broken times of things we don't understand, and she shared this verse:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 
- Hebrews 11:1

Those words jumped out of her mouth and straight into my heart. They've been on my mind ever since, and I am constantly asking myself this question: Do I have faith in the things that I hope for - even in the things I cannot see? My dream of becoming a mom seems so far away at times - am I losing faith? 
It may not be in God's plan for me to be a mom - now, never...I don't know - but I have to have faith in what I cannot see - His plan for my future.

No ones life is perfect - we all have our struggles. Some have lost loved ones, some are facing divorce or financial problems, some are searching for love, or suffering from health issues, loneliness, depression…and some maybe haven't encountered their struggle yet - wherever you are in your time of brokenness, the most important thing you can do is keep the faith. Your life may not be perfect, but God's plan is.